“If I had a dollar for every time Lindsay Lohan got popped or flashed a boob/crotch/decrepit palm I’d be a millionaire.”
This is a variation of the adage that has crossed my mind more than that of the obliteration of a smart phone, the misplacement of my car keys and the prospect of a swearing jar combined. For those of you that can at all relate, it’s probably time to take financial action and allot the tabloid starlet a personal throne in your Pop Salad crew. And don’t forget the Parliaments.
Below find a detailed timeline confirming how LiLo has remained the safest investment over the past month, outlasting her hard-working peers despite a perceptibly dying career to become Hollywood’s own real-life Ben Button anomaly.
Oct. 19: LiLo found to be in violation of probation stemming from earlier DUI and theft cases. Previous terms: 480 hours of community service to be served between a Women’s Detention Center and the County Morgue. Violation: Failure to report to nine Detention Center appointments; subsequent firing from performance of free services. New terms: 16 hours a week emptying trash/cleaning toilets at morgue before formal sentencing on Nov. 2.
Oct. 22-26: First attempt at Playboy shoot. Photos later deemed unworthy for reasons unknown. See below.
Oct. 28: Lilo unveils sneak-peak of strikingly realistic costume of person with dental hygiene. Tweets picture of completely new whiter teeth and thanks dentist for ‘treatment.’
Nov. 2: Courthouse sentencing for probation violation. Terms: 300 total days in jail and one week to surrender for first 30. Remaining 270 days to be covered by 12 days at the morgue and four therapy sessions by Dec. 14.
Nov. 3: Reshoot for Playboy in time to surrender to jail. New theme: Marilyn Monroe. Moderation: Debatable.
Nov. 6: LiLo checks into jail. Spends enough time to sing one rendition of “99 Bottles of Beer” and perhaps use restroom.
Nov. 8: Rapper Pitbull files countersuit against LiLo. Countersuit stems from August lawsuit in which LiLo sued Pitbull for mentioning her name maintaining her pop culture relevance in his smash hit “Give Me Everything.”
Today (and likely tomorrow): Runoff from all of the above.